I woke up yesterday on a hospital recovery bed. My groin was very sore, and for a small period of time I was very confused. The nurse walked in, and my wife and mother-in-law a few minutes later. Oh that’s right, I just had surgery. A TESE. If you don’t know what that is, Google it. (We’re very fond of Google-ing in our house) Or just read my wife’s last post. Anyway the results came a few moments after when my urologist came from behind the curtain and said, “We weren’t able to do a biopsy because we could not find any tissue.” I responded with, “Oh. Maybe I should buy you a box of Kleenex.” It was a bad joke but it made everyone in the room laugh, even though I was in pain on the inside and out.
So that’s it. That was the news I had been waiting for ever since I found out I had no sperm.
I’m not gonna lie guys, it sucks. It sucks real bad. I’m one of those dudes who dreamt of being a father since I was a tike watching all of those dads on 90’s sitcoms being goofy, funny, and taught you all of life’s lessons. Cliff Huckstable, Tim Tayor, Danny Tanner, Carl Winslow… I looked up to all of them. And since I never knew my own dad, it gave me a deeper desire to father healthy kids who would one day become selfless, hard-working individuals. That’s what I wanted… that’s what I still want. My journey to becoming a dad is not over by any means, but it hurts to know that I can’t give my wife the gift of life. I can’t give my family a cute little version of me, and I can’t say, “oh he or she totally has my crooked jaw!”
But that’s how it is. Disappointment is a slimy alien beast. It makes you anxious, and threatens your very existence as a human being. But somehow it’s in these disappointing moments when you have to find another meaning, another purpose to your own existence. Coping with this news is not easy, nor will it continue to be easy, but as least we’ve had some sort of closure, some reason to keep moving forward. I love my wife very much, we both wanted to be young parents, which is why we were so determined to fix our physical limitations. But that’s just what they are, physical. And I know now that this struggle will only make my love for my future family even stronger.
Keep loving, and keep fighting for what you want.