Word of the Day — Overwhelmed

Today’s word is “OVERWHELMED.” Google it and you’ll find the following definition:

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“…drown beneath a huge mass.” Yup, that sounds about right. We have been drowning in bad news.

I have so much information and so many emotions swimming around in my head. It’s safe to say I’m drowning from it all. To be honest, I don’t really know where to start. I know I want to write and blog to release some of this congestion in my brain… but where do I start?

How about with Wednesday?

Allen and I had a consultation with our doctor to talk about moving forward with donor sperm. It’s exciting. It’s terrifying. It’s sad. It’s joyous. I’m feeling so many conflicted emotions. We’re still mourning Allen’s sterility. We knew not to get our hopes up when he went in for the TESE… But the results still hit us hard. We’re choosing to smile (as best we can) and move on.

Allen is going to be an amazing dad. The first time we ever met in ‘real life’ (remember, we met on Twitter) he casually mentioned that he’d always wanted to be a dad and have a family. I think I fell in love instantly. I keep reliving that conversation and I get so sad because biologically, it’ll never happen. But biology aside, he’s gonna be a kick ass dad. He didn’t grow up with a dad, and I didn’t grow up with my biological father… so, we both know blood relation doesn’t mean much (if anything) when it comes to being a parent. Being a good parent has nothing to do with blood. So we’re working through it. We’re working through the sadness and are ready and willing to move forward. Donor sperm. Here we go.

Allen miraculously had all of Wednesday off work, so we planned on going out for a coffee date prior to our appointment. We quit caffeine a year ago in October due to my health issues. Allen quit with me, which I loved and thought was sweet. Then, when we found out last spring that he was going to have his own set of infertility issues, he stayed (strictly) off of caffeine. I guess I’m trying to paint a picture as to why a coffee date would be relevant enough to mention. I had been looking forward to it all week. EVEN tho we were going to order decaf… I was so excited. I’m not a huge fan of fall. I’m a summer girl at heart with a summer birthday, BUT the one thing I’ve always loved about fall was the ever popular Pumpkin Spice Latte. Y.U.M. So a coffee date it was. And it was wonderful. Thanks for taking me out, Allen.

ImageThe consultation with our doctor went well. I guess this is the part where I don’t really know where to start. He did an ultrasound and found a one inch cyst on my left ovary. It’s small and he doesn’t think it’s related to my endometriosis. He’s fairly certain it has to do with me ovulating. I was supposed to ovulate this last week and I had some pretty intense pain on my left side on Monday, so that makes sense. Three cheers for being in-tune with my body and knowing when something is off! Monday night I turned to Allen and said, “Pretty sure I’m rockin’ a cyst on my left ovary right now.” Anyways, doc doesn’t think it will affect anything. But with our luck… (Sorry, mom. I know you told me to stay positive.)

There’s a list of things that need to be completed before we can do the IUI (Intrauterine Insemination) with the donor sperm. Most of the list has already been completed. #relief I’ve had a variety pack of tests done during the past year. All that’s left on the list is:

1.) Some more blood work from both myself and Allen — check! Got that done on Wednesday.

2.) An appointment with a psychologist to discuss donor sperm and how it will affect us and the child, emotionally. Our appointment is set for October 5th! I already like the doctor we’ll be seeing. She is seeing us in the middle of the day on a Saturday to accommodate our unforgiving work schedules.

3.) A PAP. Yay.

4.) Find and BUY donor sperm.

The most difficult on the list? Number four. Both the finding and the buying. We want to find a Filipino donor. We can narrow the search based on eye color, hair color, height and even hobbies! Our in-depth search begins tonight, but so far it looks like we won’t even be able to narrow the search if we want a Filipino donor. Allen is tall — So I wanted to try to find a tall Filipino. Not going to happen. We know narrowing it down by hobbies is kind of crazy so that’s never really been something we cared about. But at this point I will be very grateful if we even find a Filipino donor. #sigh

This is a cry out from an infertile couple to all of the Filipino men of the world — DONATE MORE OF YOUR SPERM. Please.

SPERM IS EXPENSIVE. For real. Anywhere between $450-$700 per vial. One vial is used per IUI. Our doctor recommends that we buy 3-4 vials from a donor. That way we can try a few times for one child. The success rate of an IUI can vary… Buuut it’s generally pretty low. 10-20% success rate. Keeping on the sunny side, that’s still a 10-20% higher chance than us ever getting pregnant naturally. HAYOO #humor Anyways, if we want to have more than one child we’ll need to buy more vials in order for them to have the same biological father. Allen and I would like two children. Before all of this infertility crap, we never discussed how many because we figured what would happen would happen and we’d be happy. It’s so bizarre… planning on exactly how many children we want to have. I dunno. Maybe it’s not so weird. But it sure feels like it. So 6 vials it is. The 3-4 for this first time around and another couple to keep frozen and store away for a second child.

Math time! Let’s assume the donor sperm we purchase is $700/vial (we have expensive taste). Multiply that by 6. That’s $4,200 for SPERM. Gulp. Side note — Add this to the list of s*** we never knew we’d talk about. Add in the cost of the IUI, appointment with the psychologist, transvaginal ultrasounds, shipping cost of the sperm… We’re looking at around $5,000… For a 10-20% success rate. Is it worth it? HELL. YES. Does it seem financially impossible? HELL. YES. Do we need a magical money tree to grow in our beautiful backyard in the next couple of weeks? HELL. YES.

We spent some time at the bank yesterday applying for a loan. It’s funny because we both just payed off our credit cards that were haunting us from college this week. And now we’re applying for more debt! Yippee! The world is a funny, funny place. If we get approved, we will gladly embrace the debt and be eternally grateful for it. If we don’t get approved then… We don’t know.

Ha! We could always be the first couple to start a Kickstarter campaign to fund our infertility treatments. We’re young, we’re edgy… We could call it, “Buy Us A Baby.” #badjokes

I might be losing it.

There’s still a lot of research and learning ahead. We haven’t dived in head first looking for donor sperm. We’ve only put our big toe in the water. I’m sure things will start to make more sense and fall into place a little better once we educate ourselves a little more.

So, for now, that’s it. I’d like to end this blog post with something that completely overwhelmed me… but in the best way possible.

We got a card in the mail from a couple I knew back in high school. They have gone through this infertility journey and have since decided to adopt. I don’t know them well, and Allen doesn’t know them at all. But they understand our sadness and sent us a card to let us know we are in their thoughts. As soon as I started reading the card, I burst into tears. I’m so overwhelmed by their kindness… And their generosity. They included a gift card to Allen and I’s favorite sushi restaurant so that we could take time away from all of the sad and enjoy a night out. I don’t know if they know this, but it’s the same restaurant where we held our wedding dinner with family. So this gift that they have given us is very special in many ways. Thank you. Thank you so much.

Overwhelmed. The word of the day.

Mahal,

Mrs. Cruz

 

 

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