“It could always be worse!”

“It could always be worse!”

Words that we receive that are full of good intention. 

But then you look a little closer at our lives and KABLAM something happens to make it worse. 

Right now I just brace myself and hope we’ll catch a break sometime soon. 

This cycle of spiraling into worse and worse situations began before we were married. 

I found out I had a ruptured ovarian cyst. Okay, I can handle that. It’s a hell of a lot of pain, but no biggie. 

“It could always be worse!”

Then I needed surgery. Okay. I got this. 

“It could always be worse!”

We were told I had Stage I Endometriosis and if we wanted kids we should start trying right away. Okay. We were both on the same page about wanting a family so let’s go ahead. 

“It could always be worse!”

One month later – I need another surgery. I’m diagnosed with Stage IV Endometriosis. We’re told if we want kids we need to see a reproductive specialist as soon as possible. 

That’s really when things started to spiral. 

We got married and 3 days later met with our Reproductive Gynocologist. I need another surgery before we can begin infertility treatments. 

“It could always be worse!”

Things start to feel surreal. This is our life now. Okay. We process. We grieve. We find strength. 

Time to start treatments… But let’s check Allen’s sperm count first just as a precaution. Typically takes a couple of days for the lab to get results to  the patients. For us, it took one hour. “There are no sperm.” None. Zero. We’re told that this is extremely unusual. 

Allen begins taking fertility drugs to try to boost sperm count. 

“It could always be worse!”

He gets tested again. Zero. None. 

He’s scheduled for an exploratory surgery to find out what is going on and to extract sperm directly. 

“It could always be worse!”

The surgeon meets with me when the procedure is complete and tells me that there was nothing there to extract. There was nothing there to do a biopsy on. Having a biological child with my husband would be impossible. 

“It could always be worse!”

We start shopping for donor sperm. We find a match we’re very comfortable with. We purchase several vials of sperm. 

“It could always be worse!”

Our first infertility treatment is an IUI. The donor’s sperm counts are extremely low. Our first failed attempt. 

“It could always be worse!”

We try again. Failed. 

“It could always be worse!”

We decide to do IVF/ICSI. It’s a rocky road. I did not produce enough viable eggs to create more than three embryos. Out of the three only two are quality enough to transfer. The two we transfer are less than ideal quality. 

“It could always be worse!”

I find out I have the egg quality equivalent to that of a woman going through menopause. 

“It could always be worse!”

IVF failed. No pregnancy. 

“It could always be worse!”

I get hit by a semi. I suffer many many deficits. Our world is turned upside down. At least I am alive. 

“It could always be worse!”

I’m in and out of the hospital 20 times in two years. I suffer from PTSD and Major Depressive Disorder along with many lingering deficits. 

“It could always be worse!”

I overdose and spend over a week in a psychiatric hospital. I gain lots of new resources and insight but it’s very strenuous. 

“It could always be worse!”

My therapy schedule increases to 5 hours per day. I’m unable to focus on working. All of my energy is spent on therapies and getting better. 

“It could always be worse!”

Allen gets sick. We think it’s a hernia. He might need a simple surgery to repair. 

“It could always be worse!”

More tests are ran. It’s not just a hernia. One of his undescended testicles has grown twice in size. It could be cancer. Or it could be inflamed. They need to do a simple outpatient surgery either way. 

“It could always be worse!”

The surgery takes twice as long as expected. The surgeon comes out to meet with me to let me know the testicle was now a large tumor that was even more substantial than what the tests showed. It has grown to be the size of a softball. He believes it to be malignant. Allen needs to stay overnight due to the extreme nature of the removal and reconstructive aspects of the surgery. 

“It could always be worse!”

Allen ends up staying in the hospital for three days. We’re told he will need chemo. 

“It could always be worse!”

Present day – We are exhausted. We are spread thin. Hope is hard to remember. 

“It could always be worse!” Tell me about it. 

Mahal, Mrs. Cruz

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2 thoughts on ““It could always be worse!”

  1. There is the idea that God doesn’t give you more than you can handle. I think God has given you more than your fair share and should turn their focus on someone else – maybe some of our elected representatives to give them a dose of reality. In all seriousness, my heart goes out to you and Allen. I wished you lived closer so I could do something to help. I may only have been one of Allen’s high school teachers, but he will always be one of “my kids,” and I would do anything to help when one of them is in need. I may not always say it, but you are in my thoughts and prayers, and I do pray that you will get some good news your way soon. You are way overdue.

  2. Oh my goodness. I feel embarrassed at my own silly complaints. You and your husband are amazing. I have no other words to say except that I will be praying for you both. God has a plan that is much bigger than we can imagine. Hugs
    Rainy

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