Help. 

It’s extremely difficult to be 29, married, and completely dependent on the help of others. I thought it was difficult with just me needing lots of help, but now that Allen is temporarily out of commission… it’s an even weirder feeling. And we don’t know how long this will last. 

We’re two young adults that should be able to function and do the everyday things that need to be done. Adulting. I want to be able to adult again. My therapist tells me to stop “shoulding” on myself but it’s hard! I look around at the other couples our age and while their lives aren’t  at all perfect, they’re still capable of surviving and thriving on their own. 

It’s hard to accept help. It’s hard to let go and just open our arms. But damn, y’all… we need it. It’s hard to tell my pride to calm down and ask. 

A meal train was started by one of our Willow dance families. It is helping tremendously. Allen’s not able to cook right now and I’m still not allowed to use the stove or oven. A meal may seem like a simple thing to someone, but we are not taking this meal train for granted. There are so many things that need done and need to be focused on — Having a meal, one less thing to worry about, is incredibly helpful. 

Thank you. 

Allen’s mom and his little sister have been here for just over a week to help us out. His mom helps him clean and dress his incision sites, bathe, makes sure I’m getting my medication, is driving me to all of my doctor’s appointments and therapies, is driving Allen to all of his appointments, is doing laundry and helping to keep the house clean and organized. She is amazing. Truly. 

Angel is helping by bringing constant giggles and joy into our home. As soon as she arrived, Allen’s spirits improved ten times over. She’s also attached to me like a little shadow and has been a wonderful playmate. 

Thank you. 

Friends have helped me with errands. The staff at Willow has stepped up and taken on roles they normally wouldn’t be asked to do. There’s a lot of help coming from a lot of people. Our community support system right now is hella strong. We are very lucky. We are very grateful. 

Thank you. 

What happens once Allen’s mom and sister have to go back home to Chicago later this week? What happens when Allen starts chemo? What do we do? 

Allen has a really good attitude about everything right now. He’s in the “it’ll all be good” state of mind. I’m moreso in the “I need to plan for how we’re going to make this work” state of mind. How will we do everything that needs done? How will we get to our appointments? How will we keep the house clean? How will the laundry get done? The dishes? 

I have a short list of things that NEED to get done at the house… And it’s just not going to happen. I don’t see how. Unless we ask. And ask again. And keep asking. 

Then a feeling of guilt and shame passes over me. I don’t want to take advantage of the help that has been offered. I don’t want to have to depend on others to help us take care of things. 

It’s weird. What do we do? What’s the phrase…

“Stuck between a rock and a hard place.”

People continue to ask us what we need help with. Some days I’m so focused on Allen and my own recovery that I can’t even think straight enough to give them an answer. Some days we’re okay.  Some days we need a lot of help. Some days I have a long list and am too timid or prideful to go back and ask for the help. 

I don’t even know where I’m going with this anymore. I’ve reached the verbal vomit portion of the blog. There’s too much going on. Too much to juggle. Too much help is needed. Too much. 

Mahal, Mrs. Cruz

P. S. Who sent us this beautiful Bonsai Tree? Angel and I have been having a wonderful time taking care of it together. Thank you. 

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