Usually when I decide to write in this blog, I have a pre-determined topic or title in place that sparks the words.
I have a couple of topics on hand that I’ll write about eventually, but none of those quite felt right for today.
Today I am:
1. On the road back home to Ohio.
2. On edge as we fly down the highway.
3. Grateful I was able to visit with my brother, sister and extended family in Kokomo.
4. Feeling helpless and scared of the unknown future.
I’m finding different ways to distract myself on this drive. Working on my planner/journal is a great time-sucker and distraction. This past week was pretty good, all things considered. I set some new personal goals and slowly checked some of them off in my planner.
We had two amazing dance dad’s and overall great men volunteer their time and energy to fix some things in the dance studio that a contractor skipped out on. The space is much more functional and just fabulous all-around.
I started charting the things that I struggle with most consistently. Personal care. Household chores.
I still have to have help with showers sometimes. And I struggle with taking off and putting on clothes. With a victory, I give myself a tally. Yesterday I did not know how to put my pants on and needed help from a family member. No tally mark for that. #bummer I also get kind of pissy when that happens… And then it turns into a thing. The whole reliant on everyone else can get real annoying, y’all!
I think it will be a nice way to see the ebbs and flows of my life. Which days are easier, which prove to be more difficult… Finding the patterns. And eventually moving into a routine that caters to my ups and downs.
Household chores are still giving me trouble. Sweeping. Mopping. Dishes. Laundry. Deep clean scrub a dub. And good god the vacuum.
I set a timer via Siri for 15 minutes and get as much cleaning or sprucing done in that time. Then I stop and move on to something else. I’m finding it’s less overwhelming than making a list of what NEEDS to be done. I move at the pace that I can. And I give myself grace for the things that aren’t quite there yet. Well…
But if I’m being straight up… I totally flip out when I find that I cannot or do not know how to do something. #realtalk So maybe the whole giving myself grace thing is a work in progress 😉 I should track that in my planner too #LOL
So why am I on edge on the road trick back home? Highways, semis and speed, OH MY! Seriously, put my butt on a plane ANY day and I can and will travel all. the. time.
Put me in a car on the highway for more than a couple of hours and GOOD LUCK. It takes a lot of pre-planning. A lot of mental preparation. A lot of positive affirmations. A lot of I can. I must. I will. Lol, I don’t even want to write about it while I’m still in the car. So. Moving on…
I got to see my family, y’all. Hallelujah. It’s been a year. Way too long! I used to go every couple of months! A year just cannot fly by again.
It wasn’t rainbows and butterflies. Messing with my routine can really set me back. I had a lot of moments when my words were jumbled, I would get super confused, I would need to separate myself from the family and sit in a dark room with my compression blanket… But I showed up. Holy hell it was difficult.
I got to see my big brother AND my big sis. So so so needed. And so so so lovely.
Let’s talk about #4 real quick… Although it’s probably more suitable for its own blog post.
Why do I feel helpless and scared of the unknown future?
Short answer only today… My days can be hit or miss and I never really know when one will be a hit or if after I wake up it’s going to turn into a hot mess miss.
It’s hard to plan for the future when you live like that. Even the short term goals can end up not happening.
Yup. That’s definitely it’s own blog post. I’m done writing for the day.
Universe, send us a rest stop and a Starbucks. Get me home quickly and safely. Let this beautiful music be the distraction I need.
Mahal, Mrs. Cruz